After 33 years I found my husband betrayed me with a woman 14 years his age, big house, lots of money. I felt something was wrong but he denied it. I trusted him, we had an agreement to be open to each other. I do feel worthless also because he told me all kind of stuff like my nose was to big, my face to long, my hair was to long, I was never a good wife, I was social different. I know I look well, but part of my self esteem is completely shattered. Wilma, oh, I am so, so sorry to hear what has happened.
That is terrible and still very fresh. I cannot imagine what you must be going through after 33 years with someone. I do know that you will do better if you get some help. If you have a kind, understanding friend who will hold you through this, that is a start. But if you can, please find a trauma therapist to help you at least get your nervous system calmed down. Here is a link from my website with a few suggestions. Understanding our part in these traumas takes time, and until we are ready we need to sit and experience the betrayal and allow ourselves the right and freedom to feel every emotion as fully as possible.
Once we can do that, our ability to grasp the depths we have been plunged into starts to make sense and healing can begin. Complex ptsd can be subtle and insidious, and our lives can be shattered and our ability to make sense of what we are feeling becomes skewed and damaged. We feel as if we are on a roller coaster that has no let up. Yes, I can tell you have been their, Lisa. I am sorry that, but your knowing words warm my heart. One imagines — rightly or wrongly — that a majority, if not practically all, of the population has experienced something like this to some degree.
In my own case it stems from approx. The feeling was initially one of shock resulting immediately in no feeling at all for a while. I came out eventually with the aid of two separate approaches — although I was aware of the therapeutic nature of neither at the time — which had nothing to do with the world of psycodynamic counselling of which I had some experience and academic knowledge. That this seemed to work occurs in retrospect to have been due more to the passage of time needed to write the play — approx.
What writing the play did was to give me a vehicle to travel in whilst the pain was still fresh. By the time the play was completed the initial shock had waned.. Not for the first time the method seemingly favoured by your good selves seemed wanting not surprisingly for one currently involved in CBT and mindfulness courses. My guess is that the latter particularly would have proved more effective at the time.
But then, maybe I was lucky and could have been playing with fire. You are fortunate to have a creative outlet to help with the aftermath of the shock you went through. For some people, it can be enough. I too found writing my book kept me grounded and helped a good deal.
In the past few years, the field of trauma studies has expanded enormously and the number of people trained to work with it has also grown.
Most therapists are not specifically trained, and I would agree sitting and talking is highly unlikely to be of much usel There are many factors also that play into the depth of the trauma. One of the more difficult aspects is when the person you have been involved with appears to morph into an entirely different personality and relation to you, making your former life appear to have been a lie. I do not know if that was your situation.
You may have been one of the lucky ones, as you say, or perhaps remarkably resilient. Thank you for sharing your experience. One of my friends did share your story with me and I was so relieved. After my reply you did give me advice to look for help. I am a very creative person and wrote down my story, I wrote poems in which I tried to be angry. I luckily have a lot of dear friends who listen to me over and over again. My boys are there for me, they experienced the same shock!
It does sound as if you are a strong person, but we all need help after something like this, no matter how strong.. It is so important to screen for someone who is a trained trauma specialist, and even more important that they themselves have been through a similar experience. I even think the life experience may be more important than the training.
Often people think they know what you are going through, but they do not. With all these feelings I wondered, should I leave? I have spoken to other immediate family members including his other brother , and we all agree. Having learned about this possibility has brought me back my sanity, self-esteem and realization that the issues we have are Not All About Me. I also remember my marriage vows — in sickness and I health.
I know this is a deviation from what the discussion started as, but this is what it awakened in me and felt the need to respond as same. You are facing a difficult dilemma, Bronwyn. Throughout history, betrayals have been considered one of the most vile and cowardly acts that a person could perform. In fact, United States law specifically recommends that traitors face the highest possible punishment. In Inferno , part one of the epic poem The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri , people guilty of betrayal are sent to the lowest, cruelest depths of Hell.
What are some other forms related to betrayal? Betrayal is used to mean a severe violation of trust. What if the spider I killed in my room lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate or friend and died wondering what brought on this burst of anger and betrayal? Who is your favorite Disney villain? Who did you love to hate? Mine was Scar from "The Lion King". The betrayal fb. Which of the following is an antonym opposite of betrayal? Betrayal …you can hear it…betraying the thing he loves for a cheap bit of film publicity.
And their suspicions make them see betrayal at every turn, even when incompetence may be the cause of a particular problem. We all felt the betrayal not so much of the institution as of the man who had noisily and heroically put it on the map. To a certain degree, there is an irrational sense of betrayal. Often faithful partners rationalize or deny this need and their vulnerability to their emotional detriment. By not asking questions or expressing their needs, they enable and collude in deception for the same reason that the betrayer is dishonest or secretive — to not rock the boat and jeopardize the relationship.
On the other hand, we also have a right to privacy. Even in the most intimate relationship, disclosure of conversations with our therapist, close friends, and relatives in my opinion, should be discretionary.
It can help the other person make sense of previously unexplained or confusing behavior. At the same time, it can be devastating and traumatic to discover that the one we loved and trust has betrayed us. It can shatter the image we have of our partner as well as our confidence in ourselves and even reality itself. Unfortunately, frequently victims of betrayal blame themselves.
Aggrieved partners begin to review details of prior events and conversations, examining for overlooked clues and evidence of lies. They may painfully conclude that they and their partner have been living in two very different realities, which they once believed were shared.
It may take time to accept the truth. Each of us will attribute a different meaning to the facts in order to heal and make peace with ourselves, our loved ones, and a disordered reality we once thought was safe and predictable.
What, when, why, and how we disclose are all essential factors. The timing, impact, and our motives should be carefully considered. Full disclosure may be necessary to rebuild a broken marriage. Research shows that half-truths can leave you feeling even worse. Studies also show that people who have good self-esteem and a positive opinion of their partner are more likely to forgive him or her. Disclosing our dissatisfaction in the relationship might be the necessary conversation that if communicated earlier would have prevented the affair.
For everyone involved, the pain of secrecy compounds the pain over the initial event, and the longer deception continues, the more damaging it is to self-esteem. First talk to someone nonjudgmental, whom you trust, or seek counseling. Each case of betrayal is unique. The potential damage and complications that surround lying as well as disclosure are things to consider when telling lies and keeping secrets.
Contemplation in advance about the consequences of our actions to ourselves, our loved ones, and our relationships requires a degree of self-awareness, but can prevent unnecessary suffering.
For more information on affairs, see www. Constant pathological lying is different. Watch out for those signs. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam.
0コメント